I've had several opportunities to speak at Christian summer camps over the years. I wanted to post an example video of my speaking content/style in the event any camps are looking for a speaker.
Tuesday, January 4, 2022
Wednesday, July 29, 2020
550 Days later....Still Delight in the Lord
Ecclesiastes 3:7-8 a time to tear and a time to sew; a time to be silent and a time to speak; a time to love and a time to hate; a time for war and a time for peace.
Time. After my last post some major changes happened and I needed to go silent. There are times when I am sure the Lord wants me to speak up and share things. Other times I just want to share something. This time- just too many changes and transitions to keep up, and I fell silent.
I don't have many followers and have never really been praised for my writing so I even questioned if I should start back up writing again. Today I decided to start. Do I update the silent part or just zoom into what is now?
I guess I'll just start with today and perhaps finish up with a timeline. But I need to at least let you know I am still a wife, no longer employed, now a mom, and have lived in 3 different homes since last posting...now in another state.
Exhaustion, not okay, lonely, gasping for room/breath. Finally posted something on social media a few weeks back. Had a couple of people reach out to me. We are still in the midst of the historical COVID-19 pandemic. This circumstance is the ongoing life pressure holding me and so many others under water with rare opportunities to come up for air.
God cares. He is not surprised. He is still at work. He is still faithful. He is still God Almighty.
His Story is still going on. We are still just vapors... a mist in time. He is forever.
I'm feeling like I'm in the shadows. Just functioning. I finally have a peace. And I'm finally connecting with local women. The Lord did a wonderful break through in my life yesterday. So much so it kind of feels like a dream. I had a really rough night with the baby (I know BABY!) and struggling to even get her down for a nap. Husband still working from home so I needed to continue to tip toe around the house. I finally got her down and came to pray and have some much needed time with the Lord.
I just wanted to scream out everything. I had this memory of a day off back at my first job after college (Spring of 2007). I was in a new town and didn't know many people. I found a cemetery away from traffic or anyone and found a low point away from any tombstones and hid behind my vehicle. I spent the entire afternoon just crying, yelling, singing, reading, praying, writing, etc. How I long for an opportunity like that again. Instead I just covered my face and whisper screamed and cried. I read scripture, I wrote my prayers out. I swallowed my pride and reached out for prayer as well as asking for help. I sat in silence. Then the peace overwhelmed me. I knew immediately it was the Lord giving me this peace and I was feeling the prayers of others. And a response that help would be on the way soon!
No matter what my circumstances or life seasons have been--I circle back to the truth that I am at peace when I focus on the Lord and delight in Him. And even now I smile as the Lord quietly reminds me that is why I started blogging in the first place.
Be encouraged- God sees you. He loves you. He desires a relationship with you. I pray I can take time each day and renew the right spirit with Him. To be in His presence.
Psalm 89:1-2 I will sing of the steadfast love of the Lord, forever;
with my mouth I will make known your faithfulness to all generations.
2 For I said, “Steadfast love will be built up forever;
in the heavens you will establish your faithfulness.”
Timeline....as best as I can recall
2019
January-- awesome boss resigned and transition time was a struggle
March--We put our house on the market
April--Accepted an offer on the house, I put in my two weeks notice at my workplace, we moved to a 1 bedroom duplex...oh and I found out I was pregnant
May-August-- Volunteered at summer camp, kept getting bigger, started leading a book study, family vacation
August--Started substitute teaching and looking for part time work.
September--Started working a work from home job, attended Saturday church service and serving on AV team
November (end)--Had a baby- Csection...had a day to prep emotionally for it was a bit of a surprise
December--skype Christmas with limited visits
2020
January- decided not to go back to work
February- I can't remember other than recovering
March- Visit in-laws and husband interviews for new job, COVID hits, pack up and move to a rental unseen with a four month old
April--surviving
May--struggling, looking for church via online
June--struggling, have a few folks visit
July--struggling, get involved in church, get more air, find a group of women to fellowship with via internet.
550 days later here I am.
Sunday, January 27, 2019
Vacuous Apathy
First of all, may I begin by saying...Happy New Year! A month in.
Social work, specifically to teen parents, has opened a brand new part of my heart and mind.
Working with teens alone brings necessary character, care, and personality. Add that these young ones...now raising babies...brings a whole other element!
These last couple of months I've been dealing with an injured foot and being unwell with multiple colds after perhaps the flu. In these moments of dependency on my wonderful & patient husband, along with my fantastic co-workers, I've had times in which I've just had to sit and wait.
This brought on some isolated times. Not able to work downstairs in my office with my co-workers and being stuck in a cold room all by myself. Initially this was my introverted side's dream. But too much time alone isn't good for any of us. And although I struggled, the Lord, in His continuous faithfulness, has seen me through.
This time did give me a new perspective about something which has bothered me for over a decade. There has been this sense of a population of people in which I couldn't quite figure out how to describe. There is a long-suffering deficiency in them...but I just haven't been able to figure out what it is. During my season of silence/isolation I finally have been able to pin point what it is: Vacuous Apathy.
I had experienced apathy before. My heart always aches when we are affected by those who treat others with apathy. In fact I really struggled during my seasons of depression (roughly around 2014-2016) when I would reach out for help and was met with such hurt. I'm still working through the repercussions of those traumatic experiences. Yet what is one step worse is when ignorance is added to the mix. In short the don't know don't care perspective. Do we really understand how damaging this is!?
Vacuous: an adjective, having or showing a lack of thought or intelligence; mindless
Apathy: a noun, lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern (www.dictionary.com)
This new awareness came from seeing parents who haven't yet obtained skills and knowledge regarding life skills and parenting. This alone isn't the problem. What happens is they reach out for help...or they research and are unable to obtain the tools and knowledge they need. That leads to discouragement, depression, and even an overwhelming sense of failure and overload. If there is no support system in place or they are met by apathy...they in turn are susceptible to turning into the same...but without knowledge. They become vacuously apathetic. This then affects how they function. How they interact with others and most dangerously how they care (or don't care) for their children. I'm not even going to get into adding on their past traumas as that opens even larger, long-term damaging affects.
As I observed this, I realized this is why it is so hard to love this population. Not just teen parents, but anyone who has fallen into this toxic apathetic sense of living and relating. What breaks my heart, and I dare say the Lord's as well, is how often I have seen this disease in so many of those who identify themselves as Christians/ followers of Jesus Christ.
It is not that I am merely upset that Christians (or those who call themselves Christians) don't have enthusiasm about what the Bible says, or what God is doing. I am intensely sorrowful when I watch this vacuous apathy played out regularly by those who claim to know Jesus.
It is a selfish, lazy, and prideful way of living that has spread among so many of us, myself included. And it brings a dangerous hopelessness in my spirit sometimes. Why have we allowed this into our minds and hearts?!
I have been convicted by the Lord that I cannot love others...especially those who are in this pattern of apathy until I deal with my own sickness that I've allowed in. It is similar to bitterness-which is why I haven't been able to pinpoint it in the past. I am learning through humbling myself before the Lord. Also working through this and other things, with trusted, godly women.
As I was writing this, I started thinking of James chapter two in the Bible. After re-reading it, I found these passages.
James 2: 15-17 (ESV) "If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, "Go in peace, be warmed and filled," without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead."
James 2:20(ESV) "Do you want to be shown, you foolish person, that faith apart from works is useless?"
So even though I'm still working on this myself, I felt I should share these thoughts with others as well. Can I encourage you to take sometime of self-reflection? To be willing to admit if you have these symptoms? And to go to the Lord Jesus for help and healing? May I also challenge you one step further--to change how you treat people and what you say (or post on social media). Perhaps pause more to ask yourself...why am I saying this? Is this going to honor the Lord? Do I care? Do I know? Will you be willing to learn more about what others are going through and hearing their life stories? Will you be open to doing what God has put on your heart individually? This could be just slowing down and looking around to see if anyone just needs a smile or a helping hand. In the grocery store, the pew or hallway at church, or the chair across from you, or the person in the car next to you. I pray in the name of Jesus, that we will flee from this temptation, and that He will protect us, our families, and our community from such simple yet venomous living.
(Picture source: https://me.me/i/whats-the-difference-between-ignorance-and-apathy-dont-know-dont-08465787180744f3957b7ede0b6dea3f)
Social work, specifically to teen parents, has opened a brand new part of my heart and mind.
Working with teens alone brings necessary character, care, and personality. Add that these young ones...now raising babies...brings a whole other element!
These last couple of months I've been dealing with an injured foot and being unwell with multiple colds after perhaps the flu. In these moments of dependency on my wonderful & patient husband, along with my fantastic co-workers, I've had times in which I've just had to sit and wait.
This brought on some isolated times. Not able to work downstairs in my office with my co-workers and being stuck in a cold room all by myself. Initially this was my introverted side's dream. But too much time alone isn't good for any of us. And although I struggled, the Lord, in His continuous faithfulness, has seen me through.
This time did give me a new perspective about something which has bothered me for over a decade. There has been this sense of a population of people in which I couldn't quite figure out how to describe. There is a long-suffering deficiency in them...but I just haven't been able to figure out what it is. During my season of silence/isolation I finally have been able to pin point what it is: Vacuous Apathy.
I had experienced apathy before. My heart always aches when we are affected by those who treat others with apathy. In fact I really struggled during my seasons of depression (roughly around 2014-2016) when I would reach out for help and was met with such hurt. I'm still working through the repercussions of those traumatic experiences. Yet what is one step worse is when ignorance is added to the mix. In short the don't know don't care perspective. Do we really understand how damaging this is!?
Vacuous: an adjective, having or showing a lack of thought or intelligence; mindless
Apathy: a noun, lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern (www.dictionary.com)
This new awareness came from seeing parents who haven't yet obtained skills and knowledge regarding life skills and parenting. This alone isn't the problem. What happens is they reach out for help...or they research and are unable to obtain the tools and knowledge they need. That leads to discouragement, depression, and even an overwhelming sense of failure and overload. If there is no support system in place or they are met by apathy...they in turn are susceptible to turning into the same...but without knowledge. They become vacuously apathetic. This then affects how they function. How they interact with others and most dangerously how they care (or don't care) for their children. I'm not even going to get into adding on their past traumas as that opens even larger, long-term damaging affects.As I observed this, I realized this is why it is so hard to love this population. Not just teen parents, but anyone who has fallen into this toxic apathetic sense of living and relating. What breaks my heart, and I dare say the Lord's as well, is how often I have seen this disease in so many of those who identify themselves as Christians/ followers of Jesus Christ.
It is not that I am merely upset that Christians (or those who call themselves Christians) don't have enthusiasm about what the Bible says, or what God is doing. I am intensely sorrowful when I watch this vacuous apathy played out regularly by those who claim to know Jesus.
It is a selfish, lazy, and prideful way of living that has spread among so many of us, myself included. And it brings a dangerous hopelessness in my spirit sometimes. Why have we allowed this into our minds and hearts?!
I have been convicted by the Lord that I cannot love others...especially those who are in this pattern of apathy until I deal with my own sickness that I've allowed in. It is similar to bitterness-which is why I haven't been able to pinpoint it in the past. I am learning through humbling myself before the Lord. Also working through this and other things, with trusted, godly women.
As I was writing this, I started thinking of James chapter two in the Bible. After re-reading it, I found these passages.
James 2: 15-17 (ESV) "If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, "Go in peace, be warmed and filled," without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead."
James 2:20(ESV) "Do you want to be shown, you foolish person, that faith apart from works is useless?"
So even though I'm still working on this myself, I felt I should share these thoughts with others as well. Can I encourage you to take sometime of self-reflection? To be willing to admit if you have these symptoms? And to go to the Lord Jesus for help and healing? May I also challenge you one step further--to change how you treat people and what you say (or post on social media). Perhaps pause more to ask yourself...why am I saying this? Is this going to honor the Lord? Do I care? Do I know? Will you be willing to learn more about what others are going through and hearing their life stories? Will you be open to doing what God has put on your heart individually? This could be just slowing down and looking around to see if anyone just needs a smile or a helping hand. In the grocery store, the pew or hallway at church, or the chair across from you, or the person in the car next to you. I pray in the name of Jesus, that we will flee from this temptation, and that He will protect us, our families, and our community from such simple yet venomous living.
(Picture source: https://me.me/i/whats-the-difference-between-ignorance-and-apathy-dont-know-dont-08465787180744f3957b7ede0b6dea3f)
Tuesday, August 21, 2018
It's Just Coffee...
I spent the summer in respite mode. A much needed time for me to rest and calibrate. I left my part-time job in May and the school job fires & rehires each year until you've been there a healthy while.
So I was unemployed once again. We set aside money in savings just in case this happened so we were able to scrape by on one income for the summer. The break was wonderful! Oh how I needed this time to just be. No expectations for myself or that others had put on me. It was exactly what I needed. I thank the Lord for a season of unemployment--never thought that is something I would be thankful for!
During the summer I did end up having a job offer (we'll call this job A) at the school. I was given an interview and a verbal job offer. I verbally accepted the position. Now I could truly rest without feeling stressed about the fall.
My husband and I were visiting a local church and they mentioned a need for volunteers at their art camp. I was free and really hadn't done anything the whole summer so I thought...yeah, one week of this before I start my job in a few weeks would be great for getting me back into the swing of work life. So I signed up.
I was starting to get to know a few of the other volunteers and teaching 3 kiddos beginner piano.
One gal in particular and I started to get to know each other that Thursday night. At one point in our conversation she asked me what I did job wise because my personality seemed like I would be a great fit for a job she was hiring for. I mentioned the above paragraph about having a job (Job A) lined up in the fall. She said if I know anyone looking for work and they may be a good fit to let her know. I asked her to explain the job she was hiring for and she shared a bit more about it. We exchanged phone numbers and I let her know I'd reach out.
I came home and grabbed the mail to go through it. There was the official letter offering me the job (A) at the school. They requested an official acceptance (or rejection) of the job by a certain date. The date just happened to be the next day. So...I had not officially accepted the position. But I gave them my word. Hmmm.
I chatted with my husband about my new friend and the job opening. We looked up the company and did some initial research. In the morning I mentioned I wanted to look into this job a little further. I was really impressed with this woman and our conversation. Given full support from my hubby...I reached out to see if I could learn more about this position (job B).
Sure enough my hiring buddy was able to meet me that afternoon for coffee. She invited me to come up with as many questions as possible and to look up more information about her program. I did my research and started coming up with questions. I stopped for a minute and wrote at the top of my list: "It's Just Coffee." This saying came from a radio interview I heard once during my single days. It was in reference to giving women advice when they were going on dates. They shouldn't start dreaming up the wedding day after the first date. It is just coffee. So I took that thought for myself and applied it to this situation. Just as a reminder to me to keep me looking at it as a learning opportunity. I did grab my resume- just in case.
After 1.5 hours of Just coffee...I found myself submitting my resume for the job and scheduling an initial interview! I then got in my car, said a quick prayer, called my husband to update him, and then called the principal of the school who offered me the job. I was given a week extension to accept or reject the school job (A).
A week went by and I was waiting for one more interview to be scheduled before a job offer (this is job B) would be possible. I received a follow-up call from the principal inquiring if I had accepted or rejected the job (A). Pausing, I looked down in front of me at the letter of rejection for the school job. I then glanced over to my notebook and saw the "it's just coffee." for the other job. "Not anymore" I chuckled nervously to myself. I informed the principal I indeed was rejecting the job offer and thanked her for her patience as well as her gracious attitude.
What do you do in such a situation!? You just said no to a perfectly good job when you didn't have another one! Yet I had a peace about it. I saw God leading me in this direction. Even if I wasn't offered this other position, my husband and I agreed we could trust God. A memory of one of the lessons taught during the art camp came to mind. The speaker had emphasized the part of the story of Daniel's friends in the Bible-Daniel chapter 3 where they said even if God doesn't save us...we will not bow down. This was the part of the story where they were being challenged by the king to bow down or they would be thrown in the fiery furnace.
Daniel 3:16-18 (ESV) "Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego answered and said to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we have not need to answer you in this matter. If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not, be it know to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up."
As you may know they are thrown into the fire. They are protected by God and don't even smell like the furnace when they come out! The king then gives them higher positions and no one can punish them for serving their God.
Now I'm not equating myself to that intense of a situation. Yet if you look at it in a financial sense...that was kind of was what we where doing. We were ready to trust God by saying no to a job and not having another one lined up. (We did have several ideas of income in the event of not being offered the other job...but stay with me here- for suspense's sake!)
The weekend went by and I just kept myself busy while I waiting for a call. Monday came and I had an interview set for Tuesday. I interviewed and felt hopeful. Sure enough I received an email with a job offer! And there was much rejoicing!
I started my new job (job B) August 13th. Each day has been different. Lots of training and traveling! I was in a meeting on Thursday (what is it about Thursdays!?) and as I sat in this collaborative meeting a sense of confidence came over me. It was like the Holy Spirit was indicating to me--So this is why I gave you this personality. This is why you have stayed in this community. This is why you enjoy those excel spreadsheet making, training manual reading, and organizing hobbies.
God continues to subtly but deeply give me thoughts of confirmation. Just today my supervisor was giving me positive feedback and I started to tear up. She paused and inquired if these were happy tears. I said yes. She was sharing an experience of her observing me and the kindness and acceptance I had of all of those around me. It was a confirmation for her that she made the right choice. God was showing me--there Amy. This is your answer when in your season of depression you asked my WHY. This is why. I needed to bring you into that life style. I needed you to experience loss of many kinds. You would not have come to this job with the humility, teachable spirit, or kindness that is necessary if you did not go through that wilderness. Wow.
As I sit here typing I have paused so many times to thank Jesus. It's just me who got a job... but He chose Me for this opportunity. Situations that tug on my heart--I now get paid to help others.
So what is this job B you ask? It is a little tricky to explain so I'll just sum up. (Princess Bride reference for any of you movie quoters.) The official title is Group Facilitator and Community Coordinator Intake. I get to organize parenting classes for new moms and their families. I'll work with home visitors of the parents (or parents to be). Our organization works with 21 and under. If others come to us and they don't qualify for our program...the other part of my job comes in to play and I coordinate with the other local programs and get them connected/referred to those organizations. It is confusing, I know. So just think of it as parenting classes and community outreach.
I'm on a great team and have heard from even former employees how great this team is that I'm working with.
Like anything in life it will never be perfect and their will be stresses and struggles...but to have a job is such a blessing. Even more, the confirmations of such a good fit is quite a gift. James 1:17 (ESV) Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.
By the way I should mention...this coffee we have been talking about, at least in my personal experience...It's never Just coffee.
So I was unemployed once again. We set aside money in savings just in case this happened so we were able to scrape by on one income for the summer. The break was wonderful! Oh how I needed this time to just be. No expectations for myself or that others had put on me. It was exactly what I needed. I thank the Lord for a season of unemployment--never thought that is something I would be thankful for!
During the summer I did end up having a job offer (we'll call this job A) at the school. I was given an interview and a verbal job offer. I verbally accepted the position. Now I could truly rest without feeling stressed about the fall.
My husband and I were visiting a local church and they mentioned a need for volunteers at their art camp. I was free and really hadn't done anything the whole summer so I thought...yeah, one week of this before I start my job in a few weeks would be great for getting me back into the swing of work life. So I signed up.
I was starting to get to know a few of the other volunteers and teaching 3 kiddos beginner piano.
One gal in particular and I started to get to know each other that Thursday night. At one point in our conversation she asked me what I did job wise because my personality seemed like I would be a great fit for a job she was hiring for. I mentioned the above paragraph about having a job (Job A) lined up in the fall. She said if I know anyone looking for work and they may be a good fit to let her know. I asked her to explain the job she was hiring for and she shared a bit more about it. We exchanged phone numbers and I let her know I'd reach out.
I came home and grabbed the mail to go through it. There was the official letter offering me the job (A) at the school. They requested an official acceptance (or rejection) of the job by a certain date. The date just happened to be the next day. So...I had not officially accepted the position. But I gave them my word. Hmmm.
I chatted with my husband about my new friend and the job opening. We looked up the company and did some initial research. In the morning I mentioned I wanted to look into this job a little further. I was really impressed with this woman and our conversation. Given full support from my hubby...I reached out to see if I could learn more about this position (job B).
Sure enough my hiring buddy was able to meet me that afternoon for coffee. She invited me to come up with as many questions as possible and to look up more information about her program. I did my research and started coming up with questions. I stopped for a minute and wrote at the top of my list: "It's Just Coffee." This saying came from a radio interview I heard once during my single days. It was in reference to giving women advice when they were going on dates. They shouldn't start dreaming up the wedding day after the first date. It is just coffee. So I took that thought for myself and applied it to this situation. Just as a reminder to me to keep me looking at it as a learning opportunity. I did grab my resume- just in case.
After 1.5 hours of Just coffee...I found myself submitting my resume for the job and scheduling an initial interview! I then got in my car, said a quick prayer, called my husband to update him, and then called the principal of the school who offered me the job. I was given a week extension to accept or reject the school job (A).A week went by and I was waiting for one more interview to be scheduled before a job offer (this is job B) would be possible. I received a follow-up call from the principal inquiring if I had accepted or rejected the job (A). Pausing, I looked down in front of me at the letter of rejection for the school job. I then glanced over to my notebook and saw the "it's just coffee." for the other job. "Not anymore" I chuckled nervously to myself. I informed the principal I indeed was rejecting the job offer and thanked her for her patience as well as her gracious attitude.
What do you do in such a situation!? You just said no to a perfectly good job when you didn't have another one! Yet I had a peace about it. I saw God leading me in this direction. Even if I wasn't offered this other position, my husband and I agreed we could trust God. A memory of one of the lessons taught during the art camp came to mind. The speaker had emphasized the part of the story of Daniel's friends in the Bible-Daniel chapter 3 where they said even if God doesn't save us...we will not bow down. This was the part of the story where they were being challenged by the king to bow down or they would be thrown in the fiery furnace.
Daniel 3:16-18 (ESV) "Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego answered and said to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we have not need to answer you in this matter. If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not, be it know to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up."
As you may know they are thrown into the fire. They are protected by God and don't even smell like the furnace when they come out! The king then gives them higher positions and no one can punish them for serving their God.
Now I'm not equating myself to that intense of a situation. Yet if you look at it in a financial sense...that was kind of was what we where doing. We were ready to trust God by saying no to a job and not having another one lined up. (We did have several ideas of income in the event of not being offered the other job...but stay with me here- for suspense's sake!)
The weekend went by and I just kept myself busy while I waiting for a call. Monday came and I had an interview set for Tuesday. I interviewed and felt hopeful. Sure enough I received an email with a job offer! And there was much rejoicing!
I started my new job (job B) August 13th. Each day has been different. Lots of training and traveling! I was in a meeting on Thursday (what is it about Thursdays!?) and as I sat in this collaborative meeting a sense of confidence came over me. It was like the Holy Spirit was indicating to me--So this is why I gave you this personality. This is why you have stayed in this community. This is why you enjoy those excel spreadsheet making, training manual reading, and organizing hobbies.
God continues to subtly but deeply give me thoughts of confirmation. Just today my supervisor was giving me positive feedback and I started to tear up. She paused and inquired if these were happy tears. I said yes. She was sharing an experience of her observing me and the kindness and acceptance I had of all of those around me. It was a confirmation for her that she made the right choice. God was showing me--there Amy. This is your answer when in your season of depression you asked my WHY. This is why. I needed to bring you into that life style. I needed you to experience loss of many kinds. You would not have come to this job with the humility, teachable spirit, or kindness that is necessary if you did not go through that wilderness. Wow.
As I sit here typing I have paused so many times to thank Jesus. It's just me who got a job... but He chose Me for this opportunity. Situations that tug on my heart--I now get paid to help others.
So what is this job B you ask? It is a little tricky to explain so I'll just sum up. (Princess Bride reference for any of you movie quoters.) The official title is Group Facilitator and Community Coordinator Intake. I get to organize parenting classes for new moms and their families. I'll work with home visitors of the parents (or parents to be). Our organization works with 21 and under. If others come to us and they don't qualify for our program...the other part of my job comes in to play and I coordinate with the other local programs and get them connected/referred to those organizations. It is confusing, I know. So just think of it as parenting classes and community outreach.
I'm on a great team and have heard from even former employees how great this team is that I'm working with.
Like anything in life it will never be perfect and their will be stresses and struggles...but to have a job is such a blessing. Even more, the confirmations of such a good fit is quite a gift. James 1:17 (ESV) Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.
By the way I should mention...this coffee we have been talking about, at least in my personal experience...It's never Just coffee.
Tuesday, June 19, 2018
Stillness and Knowledge
“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” Psalm 46:10 ESV
I've read this passage many times. I have sung songs in ensembles about being still and knowing He is God. I've taken deep breaths in moments of trials and thought "be still and know He is God."
Be Still. It wasn't until I had to be physically still for a test, an MRI, that I realized stillness sometimes requires work. Stop, don't talk, be as still as possible. My muscles were tense, I had an itch on my nose I could not scratch. I had to remain still for 30 minutes. During that time this verse came into my thoughts...so this is what being still really means.
And know that I am God I'll start making a mental list about what I know about God.
Your mind goes everywhere when you must remain calm. You are focusing on making sure you don't move. You have time to think about life, the universe, everything. I filled my mind with things I remembered about who God is. Just knowing "God you are in charge."
I looked up this verse on Biblehub.com and found many other verses that talk about who God is:
Psalm 46:11 The LORD of Hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah
Psalm 100:3 Know that the LORD is God. It is He who made us, and we are His; we are His people, and the sheep of His pasture.
I will be exalted
Isaiah 2:11 The proud look of man will be humbled, and the loftiness of men brought low; the LORD alone will be exalted in that day.
Isaiah 2:17 So the pride of man will be brought low, and the loftiness of men will be humbled; the LORD alone will be exalted in that day,
Psalm 21:13 Be you exalted, LORD, in your own strength: so will we sing and praise …
We are struggling in our nation. We all have ideas, opinions, concerns, etc. Not just our nation, but the entire world. And what does this verse say? God will be above these worries, thoughts, and even control.
When we get worked up about policies or people.
When we don't know what to do next
Or can't figure out why we have this physical ailment that we can't find the root.
When we have loved ones that don't want to hear the love and truth
And we can't control what they do...
Let us Be Still. Know God. He will be Exalted.
Let God be first in our priorities and thoughts throughout the day.
Stay still long enough to hear God say-- Pray for your friend.
Send them a text of encouragement.
Tell someone your story of how God has changed your life.
Smile at the lady who is the faithful cashier at the store.
Ask the person next to you in church how they are doing and really care.
Say no to obligations that others have put on you but God says...this season you need to be still.
Whatever it is, through being still, praying, reading the Bible, and just thinking about God.
It is hard to just be still, but for me it has been exactly what I need.
I pray you can find time also to Be still and know that He is God. He will be first among everything in my life. (that's the Krasnichan paraphrase)
https://youtu.be/BgaHaioAjyg
I've read this passage many times. I have sung songs in ensembles about being still and knowing He is God. I've taken deep breaths in moments of trials and thought "be still and know He is God."
Be Still. It wasn't until I had to be physically still for a test, an MRI, that I realized stillness sometimes requires work. Stop, don't talk, be as still as possible. My muscles were tense, I had an itch on my nose I could not scratch. I had to remain still for 30 minutes. During that time this verse came into my thoughts...so this is what being still really means.
And know that I am God I'll start making a mental list about what I know about God.
Your mind goes everywhere when you must remain calm. You are focusing on making sure you don't move. You have time to think about life, the universe, everything. I filled my mind with things I remembered about who God is. Just knowing "God you are in charge."
I looked up this verse on Biblehub.com and found many other verses that talk about who God is:
Psalm 46:11 The LORD of Hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah
Psalm 100:3 Know that the LORD is God. It is He who made us, and we are His; we are His people, and the sheep of His pasture.
I will be exalted
Isaiah 2:11 The proud look of man will be humbled, and the loftiness of men brought low; the LORD alone will be exalted in that day.
Isaiah 2:17 So the pride of man will be brought low, and the loftiness of men will be humbled; the LORD alone will be exalted in that day,
Psalm 21:13 Be you exalted, LORD, in your own strength: so will we sing and praise …
We are struggling in our nation. We all have ideas, opinions, concerns, etc. Not just our nation, but the entire world. And what does this verse say? God will be above these worries, thoughts, and even control.
When we get worked up about policies or people.
When we don't know what to do next
Or can't figure out why we have this physical ailment that we can't find the root.
When we have loved ones that don't want to hear the love and truth
And we can't control what they do...
Let us Be Still. Know God. He will be Exalted.
Let God be first in our priorities and thoughts throughout the day.
Stay still long enough to hear God say-- Pray for your friend.
Send them a text of encouragement.
Tell someone your story of how God has changed your life.
Smile at the lady who is the faithful cashier at the store.
Ask the person next to you in church how they are doing and really care.
Say no to obligations that others have put on you but God says...this season you need to be still.
Whatever it is, through being still, praying, reading the Bible, and just thinking about God.
It is hard to just be still, but for me it has been exactly what I need.
I pray you can find time also to Be still and know that He is God. He will be first among everything in my life. (that's the Krasnichan paraphrase)
https://youtu.be/BgaHaioAjyg
Monday, June 4, 2018
Trusting Others With Our Hidden Treasure
One of the recent conversations I was having with some dear friends was about brokenness. I am broken. Truth be told we are all broken but we may struggle to genuinely admit that we are broken and accept others with love in their current seasons of life.
I struggle with trusting others with my deep brokenness. As a child being one of six I used creative ways to get my parents' attention. I am gifted with a loud voice, so I would increase my volume to get attention. I would also share a lot of information about myself. I was a great example for what TMI (too much information) is.
It wasn't until adulthood when that too much information backfired. I shared my brokenness with those who either didn't care, didn't know how to help, or for another reason which I still am not sure, responded in an unloving way. I trusted a few people I assumed I could trust and they were not trustworthy. Because of these experiences I began to keep more and more of my hurts and struggles to myself. This was not healthy and I am still dealing with the consequences of living life for so long like this.
We all have this brokenness in us. I thought of an analogy of our hurts and pain being a treasure of jewels broken and unrefined. They are beautiful...or could be beautiful if we would let Jesus come and heal the wounds.
God often uses other people to help us in our need. I need to share my brokenness with others in order to heal. Call things what they are. Give them a name so they loose their power.
It is really hard to trust others with this treasure. Especially because not everyone understands or is willing to understand. I'll share my broken treasure with someone and they will only see broken up pieces of cement. They don't think my box of rocks should be anywhere near a treasure chest..
It takes vulnerable, broken, and humble people who have learned what Jesus' love really is in order for them to see my box of rocks as jewels that need to be refined, mended, cleaned and put into beautiful settings that can be displayed to show God's glory.
We need to be honest and vulnerable. Genuineness is so necessary for any hope of healing and growth. "Don't throw your pearls before swine" is not just wisdom and truth. It includes our deep needs and who we are.
Perhaps we should pray that we can be open and honest about our joys and sorrows. Pray that God would send you a support group who will value your hidden treasure of brokenness and will help you. Pray for discernment to know who those few trusted people will be. Pray you too can be that person for someone else.
If you are guilty of not being able to handle or accept others who are broken, I encourage you to ask God to show you how to see others how Jesus does. Be willing to look at your own life and see where your judging heart or selfish spirit has caused you to miss out on being part of changing broken stones into beautiful treasure.
"But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And He who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that He might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom He predestined he also called, and those whom He called He also justified, and those whom He justified He also glorified."
Romans 8:25-30 ESV
https://bible.com/bible/59/rom.8.25-30.ESV
I struggle with trusting others with my deep brokenness. As a child being one of six I used creative ways to get my parents' attention. I am gifted with a loud voice, so I would increase my volume to get attention. I would also share a lot of information about myself. I was a great example for what TMI (too much information) is.
It wasn't until adulthood when that too much information backfired. I shared my brokenness with those who either didn't care, didn't know how to help, or for another reason which I still am not sure, responded in an unloving way. I trusted a few people I assumed I could trust and they were not trustworthy. Because of these experiences I began to keep more and more of my hurts and struggles to myself. This was not healthy and I am still dealing with the consequences of living life for so long like this.
We all have this brokenness in us. I thought of an analogy of our hurts and pain being a treasure of jewels broken and unrefined. They are beautiful...or could be beautiful if we would let Jesus come and heal the wounds.
God often uses other people to help us in our need. I need to share my brokenness with others in order to heal. Call things what they are. Give them a name so they loose their power.
It is really hard to trust others with this treasure. Especially because not everyone understands or is willing to understand. I'll share my broken treasure with someone and they will only see broken up pieces of cement. They don't think my box of rocks should be anywhere near a treasure chest..
It takes vulnerable, broken, and humble people who have learned what Jesus' love really is in order for them to see my box of rocks as jewels that need to be refined, mended, cleaned and put into beautiful settings that can be displayed to show God's glory.
We need to be honest and vulnerable. Genuineness is so necessary for any hope of healing and growth. "Don't throw your pearls before swine" is not just wisdom and truth. It includes our deep needs and who we are.
Perhaps we should pray that we can be open and honest about our joys and sorrows. Pray that God would send you a support group who will value your hidden treasure of brokenness and will help you. Pray for discernment to know who those few trusted people will be. Pray you too can be that person for someone else.
If you are guilty of not being able to handle or accept others who are broken, I encourage you to ask God to show you how to see others how Jesus does. Be willing to look at your own life and see where your judging heart or selfish spirit has caused you to miss out on being part of changing broken stones into beautiful treasure.
"But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And He who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that He might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom He predestined he also called, and those whom He called He also justified, and those whom He justified He also glorified."
Romans 8:25-30 ESV
https://bible.com/bible/59/rom.8.25-30.ESV
Thursday, April 26, 2018
Long Time No Write.....Words for the Silent Season
The last time I made a post was in January of 2017....It is now April...almost May of 2018...
So what has been going on? What has happened? Should I explain? Maybe sum up...
How about a few key words...
CHANGE
So much has changed!
Marital Status:
January of 2017 would have brought me into my 3rd month of dating my second boyfriend ever. Jon and I met through the singles group...I know I bashed singles groups for years even after I helped start one at my church--and didn't even attend it after a while (sorry I did this). But in my season of life it was better be with others than alone...so there I was...there he was...another great brother-in-Christ. (or so I thought) Long story short... We started dating October, 2016, He proposed on April fool's Day of 2017, Jonathon and I were married May 27, 2017. Yeah! I know...CHANGE!!!
Jobs:
I was going into my 3rd month of a new job (my 5th since Nov. 2015) as well. In the fall of 2017 my role changed at my job and it became more and more stressful and chaotic. Jon and I agreed I needed to leave. I also needed to have another job in place before leaving. So a friend told me about a job at the library. I applied, was offered the job, and gave my two week notice in December of 2017. I was offered another job as well. I accepted that job and started in January of 2018. So one full time job and one part time job. CHANGE!!!
Health:
While all my vitals and blood tests are good I have gained a substantial amount of weight. More than I have ever weighed in my life. I've always struggled with weight but this has been a huge challenge! Pun intended... CHANGE!!!
BROKEN
I went from an independent single woman who was actively involved in my community and church to almost loosing my house, going on food stamps, feeling overwhelmed and underappreciated. I felt lonely and forgotten. And coming in and out of depression...broken.
When Jon began to get to know me...when we were just friends at a small group, I was in my lowest of lowest. I was getting up everyday, but I was not eating right. My job was hard work and I was getting paid less than when I was in college. My living area at my parents' or a friend's house was a mess. I had to pull back from ministry because it was too much for me. I was finally broken and had to ask for help.
And God said...finally!
Around January 2017 I started going to a support group for habits, hurts and hang ups. It was hard to go at first....more to support others, but then I realized I needed to work through my own things. Broken.
There have also been times of just feeling like the parts of my life were healing God was starting to re break them in order to realign them...like a broken bone that was healing incorrectly. So now seems the time of God revealing more in my brokenness. Which brings me to my next word:
LOVE
To have been single for so many years (I was married at 35 years old) there was only so many ways I could be loved by others and how I could love others. God has shown me some great love.
He has revealed more and more of who He is and has used my husband to love me.
During this support group journey I decided to join a step study "where the real work is done," as one of our fellow group members says. One section is doing a moral inventory of how others have hurt me and how I've hurt others. Oh the wounds that opened up!
It got so bad I had to take a break from a few things including the local church we had been attending. Everything was so raw and it was so much emotional work! I began to see a Christian counselor to help me work through some things. I realized how unloved and forgotten I felt.
During the school job's spring break I took off from the other job too. I took time to just rest
as well as hash through so more of the hurt and let God speak to me. I started to go through a Bible study App on my phone and came across a study about healing.
I was anticipating a focus on forgiveness...but I didn't find it. What I found was a reality of what I was feeling--hurt that had turned into bitterness. I had allowed God to take that bitterness band-aid away...and oh the sores that remained! As I continued to read the devotional I was encouraged to focus on how much God loved me. I took time to just let memories of my past and present of God's love for me wash me. I went back to the devotional and was challenged to learn to love others. That love covers a multitude of sin.
I took out some paper and wrote down the name of every person and entity I could think of who I felt resentment towards or hurt from. Then I just cried my eyes out. And yes...I did the messy cry.
I then wrote LOVE over all of the names and covered them up like a blanket.
I have been going through a book about boundaries in the last few months and was challenged by what I thought love was versus what love really is. As I thought through some scripture of how God loved in the Old Testament and the New Testament...my loving others in the past was more of duty or obligation... or feelings.
I began to think of how I could love others in the way God loves me. Guess what happened...a forgiveness for others came over me. Wow. So loving others first after I was hurt...brought forgiveness.
HEALING
What came from this experience...my own little retreat/conference came healing.
I started to feel that antibiotic cream which only the Holy Spirit can give, heal and mend those wounds.
I still am in the recovery room of healing, but such progress has been made.
LEARNING
I'm learning to be humble and broken before the Lord. I'm learning what love really is. I'm learning that my marriage is like no one else's. We can do things they way we feel the Lord is leading us--even if others expect us to do otherwise.
I'm learning more of my needs and personality.
I'm learning to speak up more.
I'm learning to be silent more.
I'm learning my style of rest is different than what I thought it was.
I'm learning how to make others laugh.
There are many other words I could use for my season of silence...but for now this is a good start for the conversation to begin again: Change, Broken, Love, Healing, and Learning
What has been going on in your life since January of 2017? What words would you use for the season of life you find yourself in?
So what has been going on? What has happened? Should I explain? Maybe sum up...
How about a few key words...
CHANGE
So much has changed!
Marital Status:
January of 2017 would have brought me into my 3rd month of dating my second boyfriend ever. Jon and I met through the singles group...I know I bashed singles groups for years even after I helped start one at my church--and didn't even attend it after a while (sorry I did this). But in my season of life it was better be with others than alone...so there I was...there he was...another great brother-in-Christ. (or so I thought) Long story short... We started dating October, 2016, He proposed on April fool's Day of 2017, Jonathon and I were married May 27, 2017. Yeah! I know...CHANGE!!!
Jobs:
I was going into my 3rd month of a new job (my 5th since Nov. 2015) as well. In the fall of 2017 my role changed at my job and it became more and more stressful and chaotic. Jon and I agreed I needed to leave. I also needed to have another job in place before leaving. So a friend told me about a job at the library. I applied, was offered the job, and gave my two week notice in December of 2017. I was offered another job as well. I accepted that job and started in January of 2018. So one full time job and one part time job. CHANGE!!!
Health:
While all my vitals and blood tests are good I have gained a substantial amount of weight. More than I have ever weighed in my life. I've always struggled with weight but this has been a huge challenge! Pun intended... CHANGE!!!
BROKEN
I went from an independent single woman who was actively involved in my community and church to almost loosing my house, going on food stamps, feeling overwhelmed and underappreciated. I felt lonely and forgotten. And coming in and out of depression...broken.
When Jon began to get to know me...when we were just friends at a small group, I was in my lowest of lowest. I was getting up everyday, but I was not eating right. My job was hard work and I was getting paid less than when I was in college. My living area at my parents' or a friend's house was a mess. I had to pull back from ministry because it was too much for me. I was finally broken and had to ask for help.
And God said...finally!
Around January 2017 I started going to a support group for habits, hurts and hang ups. It was hard to go at first....more to support others, but then I realized I needed to work through my own things. Broken.
There have also been times of just feeling like the parts of my life were healing God was starting to re break them in order to realign them...like a broken bone that was healing incorrectly. So now seems the time of God revealing more in my brokenness. Which brings me to my next word:
LOVE
To have been single for so many years (I was married at 35 years old) there was only so many ways I could be loved by others and how I could love others. God has shown me some great love.
He has revealed more and more of who He is and has used my husband to love me.
During this support group journey I decided to join a step study "where the real work is done," as one of our fellow group members says. One section is doing a moral inventory of how others have hurt me and how I've hurt others. Oh the wounds that opened up!
It got so bad I had to take a break from a few things including the local church we had been attending. Everything was so raw and it was so much emotional work! I began to see a Christian counselor to help me work through some things. I realized how unloved and forgotten I felt.
During the school job's spring break I took off from the other job too. I took time to just rest
as well as hash through so more of the hurt and let God speak to me. I started to go through a Bible study App on my phone and came across a study about healing.
I was anticipating a focus on forgiveness...but I didn't find it. What I found was a reality of what I was feeling--hurt that had turned into bitterness. I had allowed God to take that bitterness band-aid away...and oh the sores that remained! As I continued to read the devotional I was encouraged to focus on how much God loved me. I took time to just let memories of my past and present of God's love for me wash me. I went back to the devotional and was challenged to learn to love others. That love covers a multitude of sin.
I took out some paper and wrote down the name of every person and entity I could think of who I felt resentment towards or hurt from. Then I just cried my eyes out. And yes...I did the messy cry.
I then wrote LOVE over all of the names and covered them up like a blanket.
I have been going through a book about boundaries in the last few months and was challenged by what I thought love was versus what love really is. As I thought through some scripture of how God loved in the Old Testament and the New Testament...my loving others in the past was more of duty or obligation... or feelings.
I began to think of how I could love others in the way God loves me. Guess what happened...a forgiveness for others came over me. Wow. So loving others first after I was hurt...brought forgiveness.
HEALING
What came from this experience...my own little retreat/conference came healing.
I started to feel that antibiotic cream which only the Holy Spirit can give, heal and mend those wounds.
I still am in the recovery room of healing, but such progress has been made.
LEARNING
I'm learning to be humble and broken before the Lord. I'm learning what love really is. I'm learning that my marriage is like no one else's. We can do things they way we feel the Lord is leading us--even if others expect us to do otherwise.
I'm learning more of my needs and personality.
I'm learning to speak up more.
I'm learning to be silent more.
I'm learning my style of rest is different than what I thought it was.
I'm learning how to make others laugh.
There are many other words I could use for my season of silence...but for now this is a good start for the conversation to begin again: Change, Broken, Love, Healing, and Learning
What has been going on in your life since January of 2017? What words would you use for the season of life you find yourself in?
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
Great is Your Faithfulness--What is Provision
I was tired, depressed, and broken. I did not know how to fix these emotions. No one knew how to help me. I didn't even know what I needed. A few days before I had a conversation with my sister. It was a hard discussion but it brought truth into our lives and enriched our relationship.
Her prayer for me was that I would be able to discover what might be trapping me. She did not know but she had the thought that perhaps something I believed was truth was a lie and it was keeping me from the freedom that God had for me.
I decided to take several hours one day without interruptions to be silent before the Lord and let Him reveal truth to me. I took time to listen to worship music and read scripture. I then just forced myself to sit in silence. Nothing. It took almost 2 hours to get my brain to just be still.
Then a thought hit me. The song Great is Your Faithfulness...all I have needed your hand has provided. Then another thought--do I believe this? A horrible feeling overtook me as I realized I did not believe this. I did not believe that all I needed God had provided. I placed many needs before Him and they were not mine. I was not provided for. Then this turned to anger. I cried out to the Lord and asked him to help me to be able to grasp how I could sift through these emotions and get to what was true.
I had to confess my unbelief and to ask God to help me. It was so humbling and painful to come to this realization that I did not believe God was providing. Yet it was the breakthrough I needed.
I cried out about all the things I didn't think God was providing. Then I just sat in silence and cried for a little bit.
A memory of a little girl came to my mind. I had the opportunity to observe this sweet little child who had been removed from her home and put in a foster care home because of the abuse she underwent. This little one was hurt and confused. On this day there was a grand meal set before her during a family dinner with her new family. I watched as she placed two or three spaghetti noodles on her plate. She then started to complain that she didn't have what she needed and she was hungry. Her family tried to communicate with her there was a feast right before her. All she had to do was look up at the table and get the food she needed.
Then the thought "That is what you are doing Amy" came to mind. All of the things I cried to the Lord about not providing were from my perspective. I thought I needed those things. The truth was I indeed did not need those things.
Over the last several months the Lord has revealed He has been providing humility, healing, wholeness, friends and family speaking into my life, what my true value is, as well as many other truths. I would not have come to realize these things without loosing jobs, housing, and other "provisions" in my life.
The truth is I'm still struggling financially. I don't know how I will make ends meet. But this is what I do know: Lamentations 3:22-33
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end:
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
"The Lord is my portion," says my soul,
"therefore I will hope in him.
The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.
It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.
It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth.
Let him sit alone in silence when it is laid on him; let him out his mouth in the dust-- there may yet be hope; let him give his cheek to the one who strikes, and let him be filled with insults.
For the Lord will not cat of forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; for her does not afflict from his heart or grieve the children of men.
Sunday, October 2, 2016
Making Plans With Open Hands
James 4:13-17 (ESV)
"Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade an make a profit"--yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we will love and do this or that," As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin."
I am a planner. I enjoy planning, organizing, and problem solving. I've learned over the years that the more flexible I can be the less stressed I get. Recently I've needed something more than flexibility. Flexibility still has a sense of plan and a sense of organization.
I will try to make a plan and honestly the next day so many things happen I have to completely change my plan. Now these aren't just I wanted 2% milk and they only have 1% milk changes. These are pick up and move to an entirely different location, then a week later, change to another completly different location type of changes.
It is hard when others ask what my plan is. What is for you next? In the past I would pull out my index card of planned steps for the next day, week, month, year, etc. Now, I don't even know where my index cards are! (Actually I just found them.) My new response has often been "I don't know...but God does."
There are moments of anxiety that come upon me--that is inevitable. How I am reacting to those emotions and life struggles is what I want to encourage.
First, I don't talk to others right away about what is going on. I just sit on it for a little bit. I spend a little extra time whether driving or sitting alone to just talk things out in prayer, to be still and listen.
Second, I remind myself (or listen to music or read Scripture) that God knows what is going on. He sees me and He loves me and everyone else that I come in contact with. I begin to thank God for what I do have.
Third, I open up my hands--figuratively and physically. None of this is mine--none of it. I am a mist and I really don't know what is next, but the moment I cling onto things, people, jobs, etc. as mine--I get myself and my emotions into trouble. I give praise to God and lift up my voice knowing I can trust Him. If He gives or takes away...or makes me wait...I can still praise His Name.
Fourth, although my hands are open I still make plans. I still use wisdom and intelligence. I still go to others to talk things through and seek advice. I use these open hands to work where I can and give of my time and talents. I ask for help, but I also offer help.
Finally, I rest. Again not only physically but emotionally and spiritually. I take long deep breaths and let the peace of Jesus that passes understanding fill me. I get to bed on time and wake up early. I rest in God's truth. I put myself in restful environments. I do my best to make my mind rest (this one is the hardest for me.)
I can still respond to others with anticipated plans, but I often say if God wills...I will do this or that. I am learning to be quick to change and transistion my expectations and desires quickly. Responding with an attitude that reflects trust in God and a willingness to give up what I'm holding onto.
I am thankful for many examples I see everyday. Whether it be the baby I'm watching or the birds who are singing-- God has them, and He has you and me! Keep planning, but be sure to make your plans with open hands. Those hands after all were made by the One who loves and cares for us most!
"Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade an make a profit"--yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we will love and do this or that," As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin."
I am a planner. I enjoy planning, organizing, and problem solving. I've learned over the years that the more flexible I can be the less stressed I get. Recently I've needed something more than flexibility. Flexibility still has a sense of plan and a sense of organization.
I will try to make a plan and honestly the next day so many things happen I have to completely change my plan. Now these aren't just I wanted 2% milk and they only have 1% milk changes. These are pick up and move to an entirely different location, then a week later, change to another completly different location type of changes.
It is hard when others ask what my plan is. What is for you next? In the past I would pull out my index card of planned steps for the next day, week, month, year, etc. Now, I don't even know where my index cards are! (Actually I just found them.) My new response has often been "I don't know...but God does."
There are moments of anxiety that come upon me--that is inevitable. How I am reacting to those emotions and life struggles is what I want to encourage.
First, I don't talk to others right away about what is going on. I just sit on it for a little bit. I spend a little extra time whether driving or sitting alone to just talk things out in prayer, to be still and listen.
Second, I remind myself (or listen to music or read Scripture) that God knows what is going on. He sees me and He loves me and everyone else that I come in contact with. I begin to thank God for what I do have.
Third, I open up my hands--figuratively and physically. None of this is mine--none of it. I am a mist and I really don't know what is next, but the moment I cling onto things, people, jobs, etc. as mine--I get myself and my emotions into trouble. I give praise to God and lift up my voice knowing I can trust Him. If He gives or takes away...or makes me wait...I can still praise His Name.
Fourth, although my hands are open I still make plans. I still use wisdom and intelligence. I still go to others to talk things through and seek advice. I use these open hands to work where I can and give of my time and talents. I ask for help, but I also offer help.
Finally, I rest. Again not only physically but emotionally and spiritually. I take long deep breaths and let the peace of Jesus that passes understanding fill me. I get to bed on time and wake up early. I rest in God's truth. I put myself in restful environments. I do my best to make my mind rest (this one is the hardest for me.)
I can still respond to others with anticipated plans, but I often say if God wills...I will do this or that. I am learning to be quick to change and transistion my expectations and desires quickly. Responding with an attitude that reflects trust in God and a willingness to give up what I'm holding onto.
Thursday, August 4, 2016
The End Draws Near...Oh Wait It's Here!
The last day of summer camp was July 25, 2016...but I am
still here! I have so many memories and I know I cannot write them all
down. I will say I have made life-long
friends and I praise God for the opportunity I had to work in so many different
areas this summer.
My last week of camp I had six overnight campers in my
care. What a great time. It was a blessing to end summer camp with
one on one opportunities as well as having the oldest girls (14-16). These girls and I had such a great time. They had so many questions and were eager to
learn and to listen to the truth! We laughed a lot, but we also had some deep conversations. It made
my heart so glad to experience this hunger.
I also found it ironic they thought I was fun. I’m the old lady mom-ish counselor that had
no problem “helping campers obey” and was concerned more for their safety than
if they liked me or not. Yet they said I
was fun…so I’ll take it!
Throughout the summer (as you know if you’ve been reading
the updates) I have continued to pray about the next step the Lord has for
me. For right now I was offered
part-time work till the end of the summer at Cedar Lake Ministries so I have
continued on here for now. I’m working
in the housekeeping department right now. I am continuing to apply for jobs in this area (Cedar Lake, IN).
I was offered an additional part-time opportunity in the
fall to visit churches representing Cedar Lake Ministries. I’d love the opportunity to visit your church
(or school) to share more about conference
facility opportunities as well as retreats CLM hosts annually. Please message me if you would like me to set
up a time to visit!
I am doing well emotionally for the most part. I only had one really rough weekend this
summer praise the Lord! Currently I’m
struggling a bit as I’m tired and worn out and don’t have a long-term “game
plan.” Spiritually I am continuing to grow. Right now I'm reading through the Psalms daily.
This is giving me reminders of how to praise God and to remember He is my first and foremost in everything.
This summer I saw so many examples of God at work in the campers as well
as the conference guests who have continued to come during and after summer camps. Several kids gave their hearts
to the Lord and many campers and conference guests grew in the Lord. Many seeds were planted even if we did not
see the fruit.
If you want more details about life, etc. feel free to
message me to get together!
Thank you again for praying for me. Thank you also to those of you who took time out of their busy summers to reach out and check on me. It means so much!
Sunday, July 17, 2016
2nd Summer Camp Update
Greetings!
It has been many weeks since I’ve been able to provide an
update. In fact this is my last week
serving at Cedar Lake Ministries! I will
be counseling high school girls this week. My top prayer requests:
- · Continued good health and energy
- · Jesus’ love to pour out of me and through me
- · Protection from any spiritual oppression for myself as well as the campers as they hear about the love of God and the Gospel—some for the first time ever.
Now for an update on the past few weeks.
The first week of speaking was great! God faithfully gave me great ideas through
His scripture as well as tangible hands on activities to encourage the campers
to remember the truth being taught. I
remember one specific camper as I was sharing the Gospel leaning forward and
focusing in on me taking everything in I was saying. I would ask questions and as she nodded her
head about something then I said no, good works cannot get you to Heaven, she
looked fearful. I was able to proclaim
the Gospel that day. Her counselor as
well as others continued to love on her and she was one of the 5 or 6 campers
that made a profession of faith that week!
Praise God!
The next week (4th of July week) we only had
around 20 day campers. Several of us
were given different roles other than counseling. My cold turned very bad and I ended up in bed
several days. God used that time to heal
me as well as gave me a ministry of prayer.
I was able to do some office work as well as helping come up with
ideas/themes for future retreats/conferences for CLM. Although I was not hands on with the campers—God
still used me. I was also able to
experience the love of those around me as they brought medicine, water, food,
and company. I found out that a couple
of the 20 campers made a profession of faith that week as well.
This past week I was back in speaker mode and was able to tweak
my messages a little to help share the truth.
Because of the number of campers (almost 125) I did two morning sessions
and one afternoon session each day. The
little campers (k-3rd) learned about Ready, Set, Go—keeping our eyes
on Jesus and letting Jesus complete our faith.
We memorized Hebrews 12:2a and I was able to teach them about how to use
their Bible. The older campers (4th-6th)
learned about Think, Watch Out, and Encourage.
I used passaged in Hebrews 12, Acts 10: 34-43, and I Corinthians
13. It was thrilling to put together the
slide show, activities, pray over the lessons, campers, and staff, and speak
the sessions. God also used me occasionally
for camper management when the campers were out of hand and needed a little
firm loving discipline. The neatest part
was the campers that were the “hardest to love” were the ones that responded to
the Gospel message and received Christ as Savior! I continue to be over joyed in the work God
does in just one week.
Personal Update:
I am doing great healthwise and just have an occational allergy
like symptoms but medicine is helping. I
did not get sick once from gluten this summer and feel better than I’ve felt in
months! I am so thankful to Heather (camp chef and friend) as
well as my adoptive parents (cottagers at CLM encouraged me during the summer) who have given me such great gluten free food and I’ve
not had to worry at all about this aspect of my life.
I made the decision to wait until the Spring 2017 school
year to begin taking classes online for my Master’s through Dallas Theological
Seminary.
I am going to miss being here at CLM so much. Please pray I will be able to transition into
back into life in a healthy way. I do
not have the support network and care at home that I have had here and I am
keenly aware of the potential danger of going back into depression after such a
great summer. Pray that those around me
will think of me and reach out to love on me and I can love on them as well.
I have not been offered any full time positions as of today
and will be returning with no plan other than to continue applying for work,
growing in the Lord, and trusting God fully to not only provide but also direct
what His will and plan is for me. I am
open to anywhere and since I am single I do have the freedom to pick up and go
if that is where the Lord directs.
I
started reading a book
(The Cure: What if God isn't who you think He is and neither are
you?: Bill Thrall, Bruce McNicol, John S Lynch) that has been very
timely and helpful in my relationship with Jesus and life. I am looking forward to finishing it and
letting God continue to transform me into Christ’s likeness.
Thank
you all so much for praying for me and reading my updates. Please let me know how I can be praying for
you and please give me a ring if you’d like to go out for coffee and catch up…I’ll
have some free time next week. (smiles)
Saturday, June 25, 2016
Summer Camp Update
Three of the seven weeks of my time
at Cedar Lake Ministries has finished!
It is a bit unreal to realize in a month, my time at CLM for the summer
will be over!
Camp Highlights:
Last week all of the summer staff arrived
full of excitement and energy. We
introduced ourselves to each other. The
PAs (Program Assistants), Program Directors, and I helped them move in and get
comfortable. We did some team building games.
Then we went on a tour of the property.
We were directed to pray over these areas and to take turns
praying. The first spot our PA leader
said “okay who wants to pray for this area?”
Not a sound…not a volunteer. The PAs
and I glanced at each other with the thought…oh boy! We pushed through the eye avoiding and awkward
silences and eventually staff person by staff person would volunteer and pray.
This week was full of team
building, planning, preparing, and training prior to the campers coming. We had lots of busy times and a full schedule. We were learning to be a team and to get to
know each other. Each of us shared our
testimony of how we came to know Jesus Christ as our Savior as well as what He
is doing in our lives currently. After
each person would share we would come around them and pray for them.
In the evenings we had a couple
come and share music with us that fostered a unique opportunity of worshiping
God and praying unlike any experience I have had. We then had our Program Director’s husband
come and share Scriptures and focus with us to help us in our mindsets about
ourselves being here at camp as well as how we should be preparing our hearts
towards the campers. These times were
essential.
The last night were given the
opportunity for corporate prayer as we felt lead. There was no longer awkward silence or eye
avoiding. The room was full of confident
and changed hearts that confidently and openly went to their Father in Heaven
through Jesus giving their thanksgivings, confessions, requests, and praise to
God! We all talked later about how neat
it was to see God change them so much in their boldness to pray. One young lady mentioned to me that she had
never really prayed out loud before. She
told me this after I thanked her for leading us in such a wonderful prayer!
All this to say—God is definitely
on the move in our hearts preparing us for this summer! We’ve had some physical bumps and bruises. Some ankle strains and sprains, some fire and
sun burns, some headaches and summer coughs, and lack of sleep.
We have had a great time of fun and
laughter as well! It has been such a joy
to be here already. I continue to thank
God so much for my time here.
Personal Life Highlights:
During this week I received and
email informing me I have been accepted to Dallas Theological Seminary for the
fall! I was able to speak with the
admissions counselor and she explained I would be able to take the majority of
this degree online so I do not need to pick up and move. This is a huge answer to prayer regarding
direction!
The work on my house to remove the
mold and preventative future steps has been completed and it looks great!
I received notification in the mail
that the job I interviewed for was offered to another person, so I will not be
offered that job in the fall. The other
places I have applied have not contacted me for an interview as of yet—so I
still do not have employment plans for the fall.
A few weeks ago our family bird
Smokey was injured badly. He almost lost
his life. If you know me you may know
that I’ve never been much of a big pet person.
Smokey is a little different. He
and I are twins by age—34. My two uncles
brought him back with them from the D.R. Congo when he was a baby. We’ve grown up with Smokey and he has learned
all of our sayings, voices, etc. and repeats them over and over! He has been so fun to have and his timing is
amazing sometimes. Almost every summer I
can remember my dad would set his cage out on the back porch in the
summers. Smokey loved this time of
hearing different birds, animals, and people!
The few weeks ago a wild animal somehow got a hold of Smokey reaching
into his cage and injured his right foot.
We believe it may have been a raccoon.
Poor Smokey lost a lot of blood and we honestly weren’t sure if he would
make it. My parents came to my house with
Smokey (who is wild and has never really been handled) wrapped in a towel and
being held. After 5 attempts we finally
found a vet who would take him to help.
We got him in and they were able to save him. He had surgery and they had to take off his
right leg. Amazingly he is healing and
adapting to this new life with just one leg.
My dad is working on adapting his cage so he can still move around as
well as learn to eat without holding his food as he has always done his whole
life. He is still full of quotes and
sounds and we think he will be okay.
During this time my parents and I continued to sing and talk about the
song His Eye is on the Sparrow. This
song is one of our favorites and it now rings true more than ever!
Prayer and Praise:
This week: Session 1: June 26-30;
Family Camp: June 30- July 2
This week my role will be camp
speaker. This will be my 5th
summer at CLM speaking and my 9th (I think) of summer camp speaking. This is a great time for me and I really love
this opportunity.
Praise:
·
We have an amazing crew of summer staff that
love God well and love each other well.
·
I continue to stay healthy and my friend and
chef here prepares me great Gluten Free food so I can be at my best and not get
sick (I have celiac disease).
·
I was accepted to Dallas Theological Seminary!
·
God has shown me that I should stay local and has even given me a ministry now and when I return (a few
of the gals working here this summer are local & have asked me to mentor
them in the fall.)
·
Laughter has been such good medicine for me—Giving
and receiving.
Prayer:
·
Pray that I will be open to the Lord as I write
the lessons and activities for the session times.
·
Pray also that I will be available to the
campers and staff to love them, listen, and have opportunities to spiritually
plant seeds, cultivate, and/or bring a harvest depending on the spiritual
season of each person.
·
Please continue to pray that all of our hearts
and minds will be softened and clear to hear the truth of God and respond
appropriately
·
Health and Safety as well as repeat to last week’s
prayer requests.
·
Finances:
o Job
for in the fall
o To
financially be able move back into my house in December
o Seminary
o House
repairs (the bill went on my credit card)
As you seek His kingdom and
righteousness--remember that God loves you, is not ashamed of you, and is
preparing a place for you in Heaven. We
see this example of truth in Hebrews 11:13-16.
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
His Kingdom and Righteousness
Matthew 6:33 (ESV) “But seek first His kingdom and His
righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”
There is a difference in knowing that you need the Lord versus
experiencing the reality of needing the Lord.
In my current season of humility and financial struggles, I continue to
experience the desperate need I have of the Lord. I have always been aware of my need of God
and I have always thanked the Lord when He does provide for me. When I am driving—thanking Him for
safety. When I interact with someone and
am faithful to share God’s loving truth—thanking the Holy Spirit for the right
words. When I find an item that I needed
and not only is on clearance, it just also happens to be the color I desired—thanks
for thinking of me Lord-even in the little things!
Yet now—when I don’t have what I need…or what I think I need…
my thankful heart has needed some reminders.
Although I was thankful for all the above provisions, was I treasuring
them more than I realized?
Matthew 6:19-21 (ESV) “Do not store up for yourselves
treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in
and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and
vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart
will be also.”
I am now working at a local university--praising God for employment. I also am being given the gift of living somewhere free of charge
until I can get back on my feet. Even with these great provisions I am still struggling financially so I am having to decide if I need to sell and give up my car as I simply
cannot afford it nor the insurance. The last time I didn’t
have a car was the first three years of college. The new dependence on others would rise so
high that a new world of humility and uncertainty will arise. What do I begin
to feel? Anxiety…
I look back at the above verses. What or who am I valuing
more than the Creator and giver? I need
not store my treasures…especially because I cannot afford them. “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the
other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.” (Mt
6:24 ESV)
I never ever thought that I was serving money. I was grateful for it and others can attest
that I say this is God’s money not my money.
Yet when I no longer have it, I am now finding myself realizing how much
I really did depend on money for my “independence.” So I am facing this truth and repenting to
the Lord for this sin of letting myself become a slave to debt and money.
All of this is good and well, having a right relationship
with the Lord—but I still don’t have any money and I am in debt! Keep reading:
Matthew 6:25-26 “Therefore (since you are now serving God
and not money) I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or
drink; or about your body, what you will wear.
Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow
or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?”
We are given this well-known reminder of how the birds are
cared for. Many are familiar with the
song: His Eye is on the Sparrow. Just
recently I was crying out to the Lord and I had to change a few of these words
as I sang. The original chorus goes: I
sing because I’m happy I sing because I’m free for His eye is on the sparrow
and I know he watches me. I changed the
words to: I sing because I choose to, I know that I am free, for his eye is on
the sparrow and I know he watches me.
These were the words that I could truthfully sing. I wasn’t happy…but I was practicing the
outpouring of praise and blessing the Lord even when I am suffering.
Giving up worry and seeking earthly treasures—we replace
with the key verse: “seek first His kingdom and his righteousness—and all these
things will be given to you as well.” I
remember reading this passage a month or so ago and decided I would begin to do
a word study of the passages that contained kingdom. I have continued to grow in my relationship
with the Lord as I am seeking His kingdom.
Guess what other word has been often coupled with this word—Righteousness. This is what I am filling my mind and
heart with which makes it possible for me to “not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will
worry about itself. Each day has enough
trouble of its own.” (Mt. 6:33)
Sunday, December 20, 2015
Empty Rooms Filled with Prayer
Due to my decision to resign from my job I needed to find a source of income to pay my mortage. God provided a family that needed a place to rent and my parents agreed to let me go and stay with them. So I drew up a lease agreement and started to clean my house.
As I moved all my things with the help of the family that would be moving in and others it was hard physically and emotionally. The next Sunday at church God provided lots of hugs. I couldn't really talk about it, but I was good at crying that day.
The tenants weren't moving in for a couple more weeks so I was able to take my time cleaning up the house and seeing if there were any major maintenance issues. As I went back to the empty house once or twice I would catch myself just sitting down and crying.I would repeat out loud "God this is your house. It always has been and always will be, but this is so hard!"
The last day I knew I was going to be in the house before the tenants moved in, I got up early (at my parents house as that is where I am now living). I got my coffee, Bible, and notebook and curled up on my bed which is my normal morning routine. This morning though I spent more time sipping my coffee and just sitting in silence. I was thinking that when I go into my house (I mean God's house) it will be the most empty I have seen it in years. That thought brought such sadness and I was running out of energy to get going in the day. Then another thought occurred to me--I could fill the rooms with prayers! Instead of feeling sorry for myself I began filling my head and thoughts with people--the people who would be moving in and visiting.
So as I got to the house it was still a hard task. I even rode in with my mom so I would be forced to get there and stay put till the house was cleaned and ready. She dropped me off and I got to my final cleaning. I started listening to music as I went about cleaning to get my energy going. Then I turned off the music and just paused in each room and began to pray for the parents, kids, and any future guests they would have. I prayed they would grow as a family and be strengthened in the Lord.
I prayed the house would stay stable and low maintenance so as to keep this family warm and safe. I asked that their jobs would continue so they could continue to pay the rent so as I could pay the mortgage. It was still sad and I still cried, but instead of leaving the house empty it was filled with prayers.
Isaiah 56:7
"Even those I will bring to My holy mountain and make them joyful in My house of prayer. Their burnt offerings and their sacrifices will be acceptable on My altar; For My house will be called a house of prayer for all the peoples."
As I moved all my things with the help of the family that would be moving in and others it was hard physically and emotionally. The next Sunday at church God provided lots of hugs. I couldn't really talk about it, but I was good at crying that day.
The tenants weren't moving in for a couple more weeks so I was able to take my time cleaning up the house and seeing if there were any major maintenance issues. As I went back to the empty house once or twice I would catch myself just sitting down and crying.I would repeat out loud "God this is your house. It always has been and always will be, but this is so hard!"
The last day I knew I was going to be in the house before the tenants moved in, I got up early (at my parents house as that is where I am now living). I got my coffee, Bible, and notebook and curled up on my bed which is my normal morning routine. This morning though I spent more time sipping my coffee and just sitting in silence. I was thinking that when I go into my house (I mean God's house) it will be the most empty I have seen it in years. That thought brought such sadness and I was running out of energy to get going in the day. Then another thought occurred to me--I could fill the rooms with prayers! Instead of feeling sorry for myself I began filling my head and thoughts with people--the people who would be moving in and visiting.
So as I got to the house it was still a hard task. I even rode in with my mom so I would be forced to get there and stay put till the house was cleaned and ready. She dropped me off and I got to my final cleaning. I started listening to music as I went about cleaning to get my energy going. Then I turned off the music and just paused in each room and began to pray for the parents, kids, and any future guests they would have. I prayed they would grow as a family and be strengthened in the Lord.
I prayed the house would stay stable and low maintenance so as to keep this family warm and safe. I asked that their jobs would continue so they could continue to pay the rent so as I could pay the mortgage. It was still sad and I still cried, but instead of leaving the house empty it was filled with prayers.
Isaiah 56:7
"Even those I will bring to My holy mountain and make them joyful in My house of prayer. Their burnt offerings and their sacrifices will be acceptable on My altar; For My house will be called a house of prayer for all the peoples."
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Where Do I Go From Here? (Matthew 6:25-34)
I am in a really tough season in my life. Perhaps the toughest so far. I believe it started when I came back from the D. R. Congo in February, 2014. I had endured some pretty rough spiritual oppression and physical illness while I was there. I'm not the same person I was and a spiritual darkness kind of creeped in. I wasn't able to pin point it till now.
This I did not realize until a month or so after a break up in August 2015. I had not anticipated the pain and struggles a break up would bring. No one really talks about the struggle of breaking up...especially out of a serious relationship. I stayed faithful to be in God's Word everyday and to make sure I poured my heart out to Him. But I was still struggling. I tried to reach out to others...perhaps I didn't know how to communicate my struggles correctly. I did not get the support and encouragement I needed. I went to my counselor. It was kind of helpful...but everything I was being told I already knew.
Work was getting more and more of a struggle and add in a supportive godly guy that has never pursued me and the rebounding that began to surface from that as well. I was getting more and more exhausted and more and more depressed. I found myself alone too much. When I was alone I would either cry my eyes out or watch TV to numb and forget my emotions. I'd go to bed at 7:30-8pm every night. I'd still get up at 5:30 or 6:00 am and go before the Lord. Read His Word and refocus for the day. These moments are what have continued to see me through.
I was advised to go to the doctor--so I finally did. He put me on medical leave from work for 30 days, prescribed anti-depressants, and took some blood work. This circumstance gave me opportunity to be relieved from two of my hardest battles and I praise God for His provision and timing. Come to find out a huge part of my problem was a vitamin D deficiency. Very common, but still very much of an issue! I'm now off of the antidepressants and the energy level and healthy emotions are back up--praise God!
During my time off of work I slept, cried, took my vitamins, visited family, journaled, read the Bible, and continued to reach out to others for help. I even learned a great new technique for dealing with my crazy emotions.
I also had to come to grips with some realities.
1. I am alone. I do not have a husband or children. I have family and friends, but no one or no specific group that has committed to me nor I to them. I do not have a handful of people that will always be there for me. I don't have regular confirmation or encouragement, nor do I give regular confirmation or encouragement to others. Yes--God is my rock and yes I know I am not alone as my Creator and Savior is always with me. But I do not have a companion or a group of friends like the paralyzed man in the Bible whose friends carried him to Jesus. It is not good for man to be alone-- and I am. So where do I go from here knowing this?
2. I am selfish and prideful. I want to be used of the Lord...but what have my motivations been? To have others notice me and tell me what a great woman of God I am?! I have battled internal thoughts of silently suffering while watching others freely working through their joys and struggles. I try to share and am met with others whose problems are bigger and more immediate than mine. I then have a struggle of questioning why others get their needs met but I don't? Why am I the one that notices when others need help and help them, but no one sees me struggling and offers to help me? I look at how the Lord has gifted me and I feel like I am not being asked to participate or help with the gifts I have. Others are serving and instead of praising God for using my siblings in Christ, I ask "why is no one asking me to do this work. I would be great at it!" Where do I go from here?
3. I cannot stay at my job. The struggles of 6 years of trying to improve and work hard with no support or recognition has reached its limit. Work is a mess and a time bomb. If I don't get out from the mess that I continually have to solve and carry others, it will blow up in my face and no one will even care. So I gave a two week notice and I am now officially unemployed. Where do I go from here?
So where do I go from here? I had to first think logically and practically--no job, I need to pay my mortgage. I reached out and found a family that has agreed to rent my house from me for a year. My parents agreed to let me live temporarily with them until I can get another job or figure out the next step. This solved two specific needs--I'm not alone and financially I can pay my mortgage. Well, actually this solved all three. It is very humbling for a responsible and independent woman to quit her job and have to move back in with her parents. And with my parents comes two foster care teenage girls...so the selfishness will go away as I am forced daily to consider at least four others as more important than myself.
I've come to see that until I come humbly to the face of God and remember who I am without Him I am nothing. And yes I have all these gifts, but if I have not love (1 Cor. 13) I am nothing!
God does see my struggles and He does care. I have open access to cry out to the Lord at any moment in time--I need to use that access. I also need to be reminded of who God is. So I've begun to read the Psalms. A combination of relearning how to cry out and praise the Lord as well as be reminded of God's steadfast love that endures forever.
So for now, I take one day at a time. I humble myself in the sight of the Lord. I listen more and talk less. I have also started to think each evening of things I am grateful for or thankful for. I ask how I can help. I also have pushed back on those in my church and asked for help. God is providing. I don't know what is next, but I do know that I need to seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness...and this passage comes with a promise: "and all these things will be added to you". So where do I go from here? I will close with this verse in its context:
Matthew 6:25-34 (ESV)
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
This I did not realize until a month or so after a break up in August 2015. I had not anticipated the pain and struggles a break up would bring. No one really talks about the struggle of breaking up...especially out of a serious relationship. I stayed faithful to be in God's Word everyday and to make sure I poured my heart out to Him. But I was still struggling. I tried to reach out to others...perhaps I didn't know how to communicate my struggles correctly. I did not get the support and encouragement I needed. I went to my counselor. It was kind of helpful...but everything I was being told I already knew.
Work was getting more and more of a struggle and add in a supportive godly guy that has never pursued me and the rebounding that began to surface from that as well. I was getting more and more exhausted and more and more depressed. I found myself alone too much. When I was alone I would either cry my eyes out or watch TV to numb and forget my emotions. I'd go to bed at 7:30-8pm every night. I'd still get up at 5:30 or 6:00 am and go before the Lord. Read His Word and refocus for the day. These moments are what have continued to see me through.
I was advised to go to the doctor--so I finally did. He put me on medical leave from work for 30 days, prescribed anti-depressants, and took some blood work. This circumstance gave me opportunity to be relieved from two of my hardest battles and I praise God for His provision and timing. Come to find out a huge part of my problem was a vitamin D deficiency. Very common, but still very much of an issue! I'm now off of the antidepressants and the energy level and healthy emotions are back up--praise God!
During my time off of work I slept, cried, took my vitamins, visited family, journaled, read the Bible, and continued to reach out to others for help. I even learned a great new technique for dealing with my crazy emotions.
I also had to come to grips with some realities.
1. I am alone. I do not have a husband or children. I have family and friends, but no one or no specific group that has committed to me nor I to them. I do not have a handful of people that will always be there for me. I don't have regular confirmation or encouragement, nor do I give regular confirmation or encouragement to others. Yes--God is my rock and yes I know I am not alone as my Creator and Savior is always with me. But I do not have a companion or a group of friends like the paralyzed man in the Bible whose friends carried him to Jesus. It is not good for man to be alone-- and I am. So where do I go from here knowing this?
2. I am selfish and prideful. I want to be used of the Lord...but what have my motivations been? To have others notice me and tell me what a great woman of God I am?! I have battled internal thoughts of silently suffering while watching others freely working through their joys and struggles. I try to share and am met with others whose problems are bigger and more immediate than mine. I then have a struggle of questioning why others get their needs met but I don't? Why am I the one that notices when others need help and help them, but no one sees me struggling and offers to help me? I look at how the Lord has gifted me and I feel like I am not being asked to participate or help with the gifts I have. Others are serving and instead of praising God for using my siblings in Christ, I ask "why is no one asking me to do this work. I would be great at it!" Where do I go from here?
3. I cannot stay at my job. The struggles of 6 years of trying to improve and work hard with no support or recognition has reached its limit. Work is a mess and a time bomb. If I don't get out from the mess that I continually have to solve and carry others, it will blow up in my face and no one will even care. So I gave a two week notice and I am now officially unemployed. Where do I go from here?
So where do I go from here? I had to first think logically and practically--no job, I need to pay my mortgage. I reached out and found a family that has agreed to rent my house from me for a year. My parents agreed to let me live temporarily with them until I can get another job or figure out the next step. This solved two specific needs--I'm not alone and financially I can pay my mortgage. Well, actually this solved all three. It is very humbling for a responsible and independent woman to quit her job and have to move back in with her parents. And with my parents comes two foster care teenage girls...so the selfishness will go away as I am forced daily to consider at least four others as more important than myself.
I've come to see that until I come humbly to the face of God and remember who I am without Him I am nothing. And yes I have all these gifts, but if I have not love (1 Cor. 13) I am nothing!
God does see my struggles and He does care. I have open access to cry out to the Lord at any moment in time--I need to use that access. I also need to be reminded of who God is. So I've begun to read the Psalms. A combination of relearning how to cry out and praise the Lord as well as be reminded of God's steadfast love that endures forever.
So for now, I take one day at a time. I humble myself in the sight of the Lord. I listen more and talk less. I have also started to think each evening of things I am grateful for or thankful for. I ask how I can help. I also have pushed back on those in my church and asked for help. God is providing. I don't know what is next, but I do know that I need to seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness...and this passage comes with a promise: "and all these things will be added to you". So where do I go from here? I will close with this verse in its context:
Matthew 6:25-34 (ESV)
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Pray for Rain in the Rainy Season-- and let God Provide (Zech. 10)
Zechariah 10:1 (ESV) www.biblegateway.com
Ask rain from the Lord
in the season of the spring rain,
from the Lord who makes the storm clouds,
and he will give them showers of rain,
to everyone the vegetation in the field
I have come to an end (for now) in my reading of Zechariah. Chapter 10 recently stuck out to me as I was praying and reading. "Pray for rain from the LORD in the season of spring rain." First--God is the provider of rain...and everything else we need. Yet there is a season for rain.
I find myself praying for future things so often, even this very morning. Yet this verse struck me to start asking--God what season am I in? And what do I need to be asking for in this current season of my life? Looking forward and planning a future is wise. But if I am only looking to the future and not this current spring rain season, I need to revisit how I'm delighting in the LORD in the moment.
I continued to read this chapter and noticed a repeated phrase: I will
v 3 "I will punish the leaders..."
v6 I will strengthen, I will save, I will bring them back
v8 I will whistle (love that!) for them and gather them in
v10 I will bring them home; I will bring them to the land
All of these things our God promised to do--will is future tense...things that are to come. These future actions are God's work. This passage even talks about Jesus, the cornerstone that shall be coming (v4)!
Such a great reminder for us to apply this passage to remember we need to pray to the Lord who provides. And let us pray for the things we need in the right season, and let us watch God do the future work that He will do! We can rest in that truth!
Zechariah 10:12
I will make them strong in the Lord,
and they shall walk in his name,
declares the Lord.
Ask rain from the Lord
in the season of the spring rain,
from the Lord who makes the storm clouds,
and he will give them showers of rain,
to everyone the vegetation in the field
I have come to an end (for now) in my reading of Zechariah. Chapter 10 recently stuck out to me as I was praying and reading. "Pray for rain from the LORD in the season of spring rain." First--God is the provider of rain...and everything else we need. Yet there is a season for rain.
I find myself praying for future things so often, even this very morning. Yet this verse struck me to start asking--God what season am I in? And what do I need to be asking for in this current season of my life? Looking forward and planning a future is wise. But if I am only looking to the future and not this current spring rain season, I need to revisit how I'm delighting in the LORD in the moment.
I continued to read this chapter and noticed a repeated phrase: I will
v 3 "I will punish the leaders..."
v6 I will strengthen, I will save, I will bring them back
v8 I will whistle (love that!) for them and gather them in
v10 I will bring them home; I will bring them to the land
All of these things our God promised to do--will is future tense...things that are to come. These future actions are God's work. This passage even talks about Jesus, the cornerstone that shall be coming (v4)!
Such a great reminder for us to apply this passage to remember we need to pray to the Lord who provides. And let us pray for the things we need in the right season, and let us watch God do the future work that He will do! We can rest in that truth!
Zechariah 10:12
I will make them strong in the Lord,
and they shall walk in his name,
declares the Lord.
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Delight in Depression?
How can I delight in the Lord while I'm in depression? I'll work through this, but in short here is the reality: God is still God no matter what is going on in my life and my emotions. He's got this and He's got me.
Now lets break it down. He was a good guy. He loves Jesus, knows God's word--he even loved me...and I'm pretty sure I loved him. He was a great boyfriend, but God showed me he was not to be my future husband. This was confirmed by those invested in me and closest to me. So we broke up.
This was my first break up. It was only 4.5 months, but some things happened during this time that has caused me to go into depression. First off--just missing my friend. That alone can be hard.
I also finally allowed a part of me to open up. The deep desire to be a wife--a godly, faithful, caring, and fun wife. I had never let that part of me come out--there was never a reason to before.
So now knowing I made the right decision to break up, I now have this part of me that I loved being that I have to...well... I'm not sure yet. I guess stuff it back in? Shut that part of me down? This is where the deep depression comes out. I saw how great of a wife I would be and I loved it. I loved the idea of getting to be a help mate and to have someone committed to me. Yes we pursued purity, we "guarded our hearts" as best we could--but how do you date without letting that part of you out?
And now that it is over what do I do? I'm so tired of being an independent woman who just keeps going and takes care of everything alone. I'm done. I'm still hoping in the Lord...but I've got to take a break. So how am I going to still delight in the Lord while going through this depression?
Well, first, I had to admit I was depressed...I am depressed. Next--talk to God! Cry my eyes out. And go somewhere where I am with others. I am at my parents for the weekend. I have found a friend to come and stay with me for a little while. And I am going to go to a professional counselor. I'm also listening to good deep hymns and songs that point my brain to praising the Lord. These are all good steps. I am still struggling...and if you're local...I could do with some kind loving if you get a chance. If nothing else--pray.
God lead me (and search engine on depressed on biblegateway.com) to Psalm 42. Just what I needed to express the combination of delighting in the Lord in the midst of depression. So how do we do this? I point us to God's Word:
Now lets break it down. He was a good guy. He loves Jesus, knows God's word--he even loved me...and I'm pretty sure I loved him. He was a great boyfriend, but God showed me he was not to be my future husband. This was confirmed by those invested in me and closest to me. So we broke up.
This was my first break up. It was only 4.5 months, but some things happened during this time that has caused me to go into depression. First off--just missing my friend. That alone can be hard.
I also finally allowed a part of me to open up. The deep desire to be a wife--a godly, faithful, caring, and fun wife. I had never let that part of me come out--there was never a reason to before.
So now knowing I made the right decision to break up, I now have this part of me that I loved being that I have to...well... I'm not sure yet. I guess stuff it back in? Shut that part of me down? This is where the deep depression comes out. I saw how great of a wife I would be and I loved it. I loved the idea of getting to be a help mate and to have someone committed to me. Yes we pursued purity, we "guarded our hearts" as best we could--but how do you date without letting that part of you out?
And now that it is over what do I do? I'm so tired of being an independent woman who just keeps going and takes care of everything alone. I'm done. I'm still hoping in the Lord...but I've got to take a break. So how am I going to still delight in the Lord while going through this depression?
Well, first, I had to admit I was depressed...I am depressed. Next--talk to God! Cry my eyes out. And go somewhere where I am with others. I am at my parents for the weekend. I have found a friend to come and stay with me for a little while. And I am going to go to a professional counselor. I'm also listening to good deep hymns and songs that point my brain to praising the Lord. These are all good steps. I am still struggling...and if you're local...I could do with some kind loving if you get a chance. If nothing else--pray.
God lead me (and search engine on depressed on biblegateway.com) to Psalm 42. Just what I needed to express the combination of delighting in the Lord in the midst of depression. So how do we do this? I point us to God's Word:
Psalm 42
As a deer pants for flowing streams,
so pants my soul for you, O God.
2 My soul thirsts for God,
for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?
3 My tears have been my food
day and night,
while they say to me all the day long,
“Where is your God?”
4 These things I remember,
as I pour out my soul:
how I would go with the throng
and lead them in procession to the house of God
with glad shouts and songs of praise,
a multitude keeping festival.
so pants my soul for you, O God.
2 My soul thirsts for God,
for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?
3 My tears have been my food
day and night,
while they say to me all the day long,
“Where is your God?”
4 These things I remember,
as I pour out my soul:
how I would go with the throng
and lead them in procession to the house of God
with glad shouts and songs of praise,
a multitude keeping festival.
5 Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation 6 and my God.
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation 6 and my God.
My soul is cast down within me;
therefore I remember you
from the land of Jordan and of Hermon,
from Mount Mizar.
7 Deep calls to deep
at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves
have gone over me.
8 By day the Lord commands his steadfast love,
and at night his song is with me,
a prayer to the God of my life.
9 I say to God, my rock:
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning
because of the oppression of the enemy?”
10 As with a deadly wound in my bones,
my adversaries taunt me,
while they say to me all the day long,
“Where is your God?”
therefore I remember you
from the land of Jordan and of Hermon,
from Mount Mizar.
7 Deep calls to deep
at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves
have gone over me.
8 By day the Lord commands his steadfast love,
and at night his song is with me,
a prayer to the God of my life.
9 I say to God, my rock:
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning
because of the oppression of the enemy?”
10 As with a deadly wound in my bones,
my adversaries taunt me,
while they say to me all the day long,
“Where is your God?”
11 Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.
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