The last time I made a post was in January of 2017....It is now April...almost May of 2018...
So what has been going on? What has happened? Should I explain? Maybe sum up...
How about a few key words...
CHANGE
So much has changed!
Marital Status:
January of 2017 would have brought me into my 3rd month of dating my second boyfriend ever. Jon and I met through the singles group...I know I bashed singles groups for years even after I helped start one at my church--and didn't even attend it after a while (sorry I did this). But in my season of life it was better be with others than alone...so there I was...there he was...another great brother-in-Christ. (or so I thought) Long story short... We started dating October, 2016, He proposed on April fool's Day of 2017, Jonathon and I were married May 27, 2017. Yeah! I know...CHANGE!!!
Jobs:
I was going into my 3rd month of a new job (my 5th since Nov. 2015) as well. In the fall of 2017 my role changed at my job and it became more and more stressful and chaotic. Jon and I agreed I needed to leave. I also needed to have another job in place before leaving. So a friend told me about a job at the library. I applied, was offered the job, and gave my two week notice in December of 2017. I was offered another job as well. I accepted that job and started in January of 2018. So one full time job and one part time job. CHANGE!!!
Health:
While all my vitals and blood tests are good I have gained a substantial amount of weight. More than I have ever weighed in my life. I've always struggled with weight but this has been a huge challenge! Pun intended... CHANGE!!!
BROKEN
I went from an independent single woman who was actively involved in my community and church to almost loosing my house, going on food stamps, feeling overwhelmed and underappreciated. I felt lonely and forgotten. And coming in and out of depression...broken.
When Jon began to get to know me...when we were just friends at a small group, I was in my lowest of lowest. I was getting up everyday, but I was not eating right. My job was hard work and I was getting paid less than when I was in college. My living area at my parents' or a friend's house was a mess. I had to pull back from ministry because it was too much for me. I was finally broken and had to ask for help.
And God said...finally!
Around January 2017 I started going to a support group for habits, hurts and hang ups. It was hard to go at first....more to support others, but then I realized I needed to work through my own things. Broken.
There have also been times of just feeling like the parts of my life were healing God was starting to re break them in order to realign them...like a broken bone that was healing incorrectly. So now seems the time of God revealing more in my brokenness. Which brings me to my next word:
LOVE
To have been single for so many years (I was married at 35 years old) there was only so many ways I could be loved by others and how I could love others. God has shown me some great love.
He has revealed more and more of who He is and has used my husband to love me.
During this support group journey I decided to join a step study "where the real work is done," as one of our fellow group members says. One section is doing a moral inventory of how others have hurt me and how I've hurt others. Oh the wounds that opened up!
It got so bad I had to take a break from a few things including the local church we had been attending. Everything was so raw and it was so much emotional work! I began to see a Christian counselor to help me work through some things. I realized how unloved and forgotten I felt.
During the school job's spring break I took off from the other job too. I took time to just rest
as well as hash through so more of the hurt and let God speak to me. I started to go through a Bible study App on my phone and came across a study about healing.
I was anticipating a focus on forgiveness...but I didn't find it. What I found was a reality of what I was feeling--hurt that had turned into bitterness. I had allowed God to take that bitterness band-aid away...and oh the sores that remained! As I continued to read the devotional I was encouraged to focus on how much God loved me. I took time to just let memories of my past and present of God's love for me wash me. I went back to the devotional and was challenged to learn to love others. That love covers a multitude of sin.
I took out some paper and wrote down the name of every person and entity I could think of who I felt resentment towards or hurt from. Then I just cried my eyes out. And yes...I did the messy cry.
I then wrote LOVE over all of the names and covered them up like a blanket.
I have been going through a book about boundaries in the last few months and was challenged by what I thought love was versus what love really is. As I thought through some scripture of how God loved in the Old Testament and the New Testament...my loving others in the past was more of duty or obligation... or feelings.
I began to think of how I could love others in the way God loves me. Guess what happened...a forgiveness for others came over me. Wow. So loving others first after I was hurt...brought forgiveness.
HEALING
What came from this experience...my own little retreat/conference came healing.
I started to feel that antibiotic cream which only the Holy Spirit can give, heal and mend those wounds.
I still am in the recovery room of healing, but such progress has been made.
LEARNING
I'm learning to be humble and broken before the Lord. I'm learning what love really is. I'm learning that my marriage is like no one else's. We can do things they way we feel the Lord is leading us--even if others expect us to do otherwise.
I'm learning more of my needs and personality.
I'm learning to speak up more.
I'm learning to be silent more.
I'm learning my style of rest is different than what I thought it was.
I'm learning how to make others laugh.
There are many other words I could use for my season of silence...but for now this is a good start for the conversation to begin again: Change, Broken, Love, Healing, and Learning
What has been going on in your life since January of 2017? What words would you use for the season of life you find yourself in?
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