Her prayer for me was that I would be able to discover what might be trapping me. She did not know but she had the thought that perhaps something I believed was truth was a lie and it was keeping me from the freedom that God had for me.
I decided to take several hours one day without interruptions to be silent before the Lord and let Him reveal truth to me. I took time to listen to worship music and read scripture. I then just forced myself to sit in silence. Nothing. It took almost 2 hours to get my brain to just be still.
Then a thought hit me. The song Great is Your Faithfulness...all I have needed your hand has provided. Then another thought--do I believe this? A horrible feeling overtook me as I realized I did not believe this. I did not believe that all I needed God had provided. I placed many needs before Him and they were not mine. I was not provided for. Then this turned to anger. I cried out to the Lord and asked him to help me to be able to grasp how I could sift through these emotions and get to what was true.
I had to confess my unbelief and to ask God to help me. It was so humbling and painful to come to this realization that I did not believe God was providing. Yet it was the breakthrough I needed.
I cried out about all the things I didn't think God was providing. Then I just sat in silence and cried for a little bit.
A memory of a little girl came to my mind. I had the opportunity to observe this sweet little child who had been removed from her home and put in a foster care home because of the abuse she underwent. This little one was hurt and confused. On this day there was a grand meal set before her during a family dinner with her new family. I watched as she placed two or three spaghetti noodles on her plate. She then started to complain that she didn't have what she needed and she was hungry. Her family tried to communicate with her there was a feast right before her. All she had to do was look up at the table and get the food she needed.
Then the thought "That is what you are doing Amy" came to mind. All of the things I cried to the Lord about not providing were from my perspective. I thought I needed those things. The truth was I indeed did not need those things.
Over the last several months the Lord has revealed He has been providing humility, healing, wholeness, friends and family speaking into my life, what my true value is, as well as many other truths. I would not have come to realize these things without loosing jobs, housing, and other "provisions" in my life.
The truth is I'm still struggling financially. I don't know how I will make ends meet. But this is what I do know: Lamentations 3:22-33
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end:
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
"The Lord is my portion," says my soul,
"therefore I will hope in him.
The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.
It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.
It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth.
Let him sit alone in silence when it is laid on him; let him out his mouth in the dust-- there may yet be hope; let him give his cheek to the one who strikes, and let him be filled with insults.
For the Lord will not cat of forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; for her does not afflict from his heart or grieve the children of men.
